Who Am I? A Question To Myself After Divorce

 Who Am I? A Question To Myself After Divorce

During my 17 years of marriage, I was a stay at home mom and wife. My ex has a very busy high tech job.

If you asked me " Who are you" at that time, I would answer " I'm a wife and mom" in one second. I was putting all my effort to be " a wife and mom" .

I was a tiger mom before divorce.

I was so obsessed with being a good " wife and mom" that I forgot about myself.

I forgot there was a girl who always dreamed of being a writer.

I forgot there was a girl who loved reading novels and poems.

I forgot there was a girl who loved music and liked to sing along.

I forgot there was a girl who was funny, playful and had so many friends to hang out with.

I forgot I am myself first.

Time to find myself and love myself dearly.

Divorce Is One Of The Necessary Traumas

 Is a trauma-free life a perfect life? First, nobody's life is trauma free. The moment we were born, we started crying loudly because it was so uncomfortable to be out of our moms' wombs. Our life starts with trauma.

Then life continues. There are so many different types of traumas that you can relate to. I can use myself as an example.

When I was little, my father was very strict and even harsh. I wished I had a gentle and soft-spoken dad.

When I started school, I was one of the best students but usually not doing well in big exams. I got very nervous during the college entrance exams and didn't do well. I had to take a second time.

After I gave birth to my first child, I struggled with the sleepless nights, excessive weight gain and constantly feeling blue. I turned to food as comfort but I only became more overweighed and depressed.

At the age of 42, on one warm spring morning, one letter in my mail box simply put me from heaven to hell. It was from a married woman's husband. He wrote to tell me that my husband and his wife were having an affair.

Divorce was the biggest trauma in my life. It didn't destroy me. I came out of it stronger. I am so proud of myself.

How will life be without trauma? What if everything goes the way you want? Is it a perfect life? No, it will be a very boring life. I won't learn anything before I die.

Traumas are normal and necessary in life. Kids see how we handle traumas. They learn from us that there are ups and downs in lives. Traumas bring pain and suffering. Pain and suffering deepens your life and brings you superpower.

Healing After Divorce

Healing after divorce is not easy, especially if you have gone through betrayal. For me, the first three months were very difficult after we filed divorce. He was my best friend, the best husband and dad. I trusted him 100%, thinking any man could cheat, but him. The reality taught me a good lesson.

First, let yourself grieve. Divorce is a big loss in life. You can be in your shell for a while. I isolated myself for a month, not talking to anyone. I let anger and sadness overtake me. Cry and scream as much as I want, in my own room. Punch the pillows to let go of my anger. Journal every day.

Second, reach out. After about a month, I texted one of my Chinese friends about my divorce. She immediately replied, asking if I had enough money to hire a divorce lawyer. I almost cried, feeling so grateful to have such great support from her. Then I talked to another friend, who played a very important role in my healing. She is a dedicated Christian. She cried with me on the phone and prayed for me and my kids. She told me to go to the Sunday services and divorce care program in her church. I did. I also went to see a therapist specialized in betrayal trauma.

Third, empower yourself with knowledge. I started to read a lot of books about divorce and healing. Highly recommend one book called The Betrayal Bind. I didn't need to see a therapist after reading this book. I googled and did a lot of research about the divorce law in Washington. Thanks to my Church friends, I found the best divorce attorney to consult with. She is not only the best divorce lawyer but also a very good person. I'm sure I'll be doing great with her help, whether we go to the court or not.

Fourth, think about the kids. Be amicable. We are no longer married but we are still our kids' parents. I could have made the divorce process as ugly and dramatic as it could be because I wanted " revenge". But it would have hurt everyone deeply, including the kids.

Fifth, good food and exercises. Good food and exercises help build strong body and mind. When you are strong physically and mentally, healing is a natural thing.

About Me 关于我

My name is Yana. I'm Chinese living in Bellevue WA since 2010. I speak fluent English and Mandarin. 

Divorce is hard for everyone. I was married for 17 years until it ended unexpectedly. There was so much shock, grief, pain and suffering coming along with the separation and process of divorce. Yet, I am so fortunate to have my relatives, friends, my kids and my church to support me. There are so many good books and resources that equip me with knowledge and strength. 

I went through divorce so I know how it feels. I'm here to help you going through this hard time of life. Pain and suffering is not bad. They make me more resilient and compassionate. 

My services include divorce mediation and divorce coaching, in both English and Chinese. 

我的名字叫Yana。我是中国人，自2010年起就住在华盛顿州的Bellevue。我说流利的英文和普通话。

离婚对每个人来说都是很艰难的。我有过一段17年的婚姻，直到有一天它出其不意地到了终点。当时随着分居和离婚过程中，伴随而来的巨大的震惊，悲伤，痛苦和苦难。然而，我是何其幸运，拥有我的亲友们，孩子们和教会来支持我。还有很多好书和资源来给我知识和力量，让我变得更强大。

我经历过离婚所以我知道个中滋味。我在这里来帮助你顺利度过人生中这段很艰难的时期。痛苦和苦难并不是坏的。它们让我更坚韧和富有同情心。

我的服务包括：中文或者英文的离婚调解和离婚辅导。